Friday, February 18, 2011

black history month

I totally forgot about black history month! How could I do such a thing!? Oh yeah, because I don't give a shit about black people.

Or white people. Or any people, really.

For real though, I would like to apologize to both African Americans that read this blog: I'm sorry.

My bad, friends! Thing is, most people always associate black history month with black PEOPLE. As unbelievable as it may sound, the world doesn't revolve around black people (or any people), and there are a bunch of other black things that may feel left out.

Take, for instance, BLACK metal.

Weirdos dressing up all weird and then running around in the forest, howling songs about the winterdaemon. I guess looking like that, I can't blame them for maybe feeling left out of the having-a-month-named-after-you sweepstakes. At any rate, black metal definitely doesn't deserve its own month.

Speaking of music, on the opposite end of the worthless spectrum, albeit for different reasons, we have the BLACK Eyed Peas.

If your job is to make watered down pop music, and you fail at it miserably, you are probably the Black Eyed Peas. When the only redeeming quality of your musical group is the 6/10-faced-10/10-bodied-0/10-voiced frontwoman, you are, for lack of a better word, fucked. At the end of the day, when your namesake pea is rated higher on the awesome scale, you definitely don't deserve your own month.

Real BLACK eyed peas, delicious you are, but you don't get your own month either.

The BLACK Death is a another sleeper candidate.

The Black Death? Does that deserve its own month? While the Holocaust is often remembered, and its anniversary commemorated, maybe something that dwarfs the Holocaust's death total deserves a month of its own?

You ever seen a BLACK widow? The spider?


Finally, the last candidate is BLACKberry.

It's got a couple things in it's favor: First, it's not an apple product, so there's that. Remember when the first of your friends got an iphone, the first time you were at the bar, and an impossible question came up in conversation, one that needed to be answered by quickly browsing the web, and your friend whips out his (or her) iphone, and says, "let me check my iphone", instead of just quietly checking the iphone? Remember that? Second, I've never used a Blackberry, never been confused by its menus or anything, so I've never had the chance to feel let down by its inferiority to the iphone, keeping it on my anything-is-better-than-apple pedestal.

That's all I got. If you're still reading this, either you thought it was funny (IT WAS), or you think I need some racial sensitivity training.

If it's the latter, I'd tell you to party your way off the top of the tallest building in your city, but honestly, I need the page views for the post on Monday. Preesh.


Anonymous said...

While on jury duty Monday(Valentines Day) I found a black man guilty of 4 counts of bail jumping, 1 count of intimidating a witness, 1 count of assault with intent to commit bodily harm and innocent of 1 count of strangulation & suffocation(the bruises on her neck weren't as dark as her black eye or the bruises on her face & rest of her body and her losing consciousness was due to drinking 90% of a 1.75 litre bottle of Kesslers, not strangulation) All were felonies by the way.


heck yeah, man said...

haha holy crap i hope that's true

Black Eyed Tampa said...

I'm BLACK and blue on the inside from the LOLS.

Fuck you HYM. I didn't want to laugh at that shit - but I did.

Anonymous said...

Taken from Wisconsin Circuit Court

Count No. Statute Description Severity Disposition
1 946.49(1)(b) Bail Jumping-Felony Felony H
2 940.43(7) Intimidate Witness/Person Charged/Felony Felony G
3 940.19(2) Substantial Battery-Intend Bodily Harm Felony I
4 940.235(1) Strangulation and Suffocation Felony H
5 946.49(1)(b) Bail Jumping-Felony Felony H
6 946.49(1)(b) Bail Jumping-Felony Felony H
7 946.49(1)(b) Bail Jumping-Felony Felony H


B-A-B-Y-M-A-M-A said...

Have a good weekend HYM! Stay away from trees and ropes...