I hate to have to preface this with "true story", but some of the things that happen to me are so ridiculous that I often wonder if similar things happen to other people too.
OK, so yesterday after work it was snowing. I don't think anybody is going to refute me on that fact. Yeah, you can argue the snow vs. slush angle, but really, it doesn't matter. Bottom line: it was precipitatin', and so were my pits, bro. So there was a fair amount of snow accumulating on the cars in the lot, and I noticed some jackass PRIUS-DRIVIN-DOUCHEBAG walking out to his car.
Now his car's windows were covered in snow, and there's no way he could see out of them, or drive safely. Normally I'd encourage reckless driving, especially for environmentally aware turds like him, but I knew I'd be driving in the same vicinity as him, at least for a little while - we were both leaving.
But did the fact that his windows needed a good snowbrushing deter him from giving his snowcovered car a quick eyeball, a "nah, it'll be fine"-head shake, and hoppin' right into his car and startin' it up? Nah, not in the least.
Dude put all his faith in the windshield wipers as he crept to the parking lot exit. Sure as shit, by the time I'm done completely brushing off my car, there he is - parked in the exit lane, blocking it, brushing off his own car.
After honking my horn relentlessly, shaking my fist out the window in an angry manner, and opening my moon roof (fuck yeah I have a moon roof) so I could slowly raise my middle finger through the opening towards the sky, making sweet sound effects as my arm raised itself to glory, he finally finished up, waved an apologetic "Yes I know I drive a Prius, but my wife really wanted me to get one"-wave, and went on his merry way.
BTW, because dude was such a PRIUS DRIVING COCKPIT, on the way home from the gym, I stopped at the hardware store, bought a bottle of WD-40, and sprayed it all over a couple plants in the park. Fuck you, environment.
Oh ya, and I was WATCHING THE TV at the gym the other day, and saw some segment with some broad on CNN cryin' about something. It was CNN so it was probably something dumb.
Turns out it was this:
Four minutes and forty three seconds of nonstop lols at her expense. Best kinda lols.
For example, holy lol @ 1:01 when she's going on about how hopefully nobody saw her, then the host chimes in, "but meanwhile the whole world was watching this on youtube". OWNED!
And good gravy, that dumb bitch is talking about suing. I should sue her just for being so goddamn ugly. I should sue her because I didn't feel like getting up early to go to work this morning. I should sue her because I'm going to want to order Jimmy John's for lunch, but will probably pack my own lunch. I should sue her because I had a very unsatisfying dump not just yesterday morning, but also yesterday evening. I should sue her because I got sweaty as fuck at the gym last night. I should sue her because if the Packers don't win on Sunday, I'll be having a meltdown (not entirely true). I should sue her because as you're reading this, I'll probably be thinking about motoRBOATIN' OH YEAH BOOBS IN MY FACE WHAT