Monday, January 31, 2011

my life is an olive garden commercial

Is it just me, or does it look like living in an Olive Garden commercial would be the best life ever?

You decide:

Look how much fun they're having. Everything is awesome.

Wonder what they're gonna do when they get smashed in the face with a ton of bricks called reality and finally realize that life is a crapshoot, but it's mostly just crap, and they're unavoidably hurdling toward entropy.

Anyway, there's something about Olive Garden that I just can't hate. Yeah, the food is essentially fancy, microwaved TV dinners, but if someone can look you in the eye and tell you that their food doesn't taste good, you know they're a self-loathing, fun-hating, worthless liar.

Maybe it's not the most original, most creative, most authentic, or most healthy, but their food IS tasty. Mass produced, over-cheesed, over-creamied, over-salted, over-riched, over everything? Yeah, but NOMNOMNOM.

What about this hilarious commercial, with undertones of child molestation:

Favorite uncle? More like Uncle Creeper lurkin' his little nephew.

Breadstick? Hey, I know what a euphemism is; I know what double entrentre means - you can't fool me that easily, Olive Garden marketing execs!

That little kid got so excited that he got two (2) breadstick boners for both his gay uncles! That's fucked up!

Check out this next one: father works late, leaving mother and son to fend for themselves. Mother and son go on a date. Mother and son go to Olive Garden. Mother and son flirt over dinner and a couple glasses of wine. I've seen plenty of porn based on that premise.

And it ends well for everybody!

But still, that was really weird.

Seems that this one is on all the time. Literally, every 5 minutes - commercial break, "girls night out" Olive Garden commercial.

I love at the end, the Grandma rubbing the granddaughter's arm like that lol. I'm pretty sure they're not related, and that every time the youngest one's REAL GRANDMOTHER sees it, she's all, "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT OLD BITCH RUBBIN' ON MY GRANDDAUGHTER? I'LL KILL THAT SLUT".

And what about that narrator's voice. What a little ratboy. I see punks like that at the gym every day. Short workout shorts, Nike Shox, Under Armour breathable shirts, and twig-arms. Walkin' around like a little ratboy potato, YOU ABOUT TO GET MASHED

I guess Olive Garden food is a great metaphor for your life: take away the rich, creamy awesome, and you're left with a bunch of shit.


Anonymous said...

Ummmmmm, heckyeahman, you shouldn't make fun of your uncle........well, at least not this one!

-uncl Mike

heck yeah, man said...

sorry heckyeahuncle!