Wednesday, December 29, 2010

HDPU: judgement free zone my ass

The POST HOLIDAY HUMP DAY is here. Everybody'z bummed because Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah, and whatever other shit are all over. Yes, New Years Eve is coming up in a couple days, but we still have to make it through at least a couple days of work to get there.

And worse, NYE is Friday night, so presumably most of us will work a full day, or at least have to get up early to go IN TO WORK, its gonna be hard to stay up all night to properly ring in the new year.

That's where I come in - to provide the PUMP for you to party PROPERLY.

And today we're talkin' about the gym, so you know there'll be PLENTY O PUMP to go around. But here's the thing:

A couple months ago I was all PUMPED because I joined a gym - Planet Fitness. Their whole thing is their $10 monthly fees (PUMP!), and their "judgement free zone" (LAME!). You're supposed to be able to go there and work out without being judged (MEGA LAME!).

Well my friends, when you're workin' out anywhere near me, you're gonna get judged. It won't be fair, it won't be nice, but it's gonna happen. So SUCK ON THAT (KEEPIN' IT REAL PUMP!)

Went to the gym a couple weeks ago and walked up to the weights to grab a couple 20 pounders, but there was only one (1) 20lb, and one (1) 25lb. Weird.

Did a quick scan of the immediate area, and saw nobody using just one dumbbell. Did another auxillary scan and zeroed in on some 17 year old punk doing chest presses with two (2) dumbbells. After eyeballing him and his dumbbells, I saw that he was using one of each - a 20 and a 25. (YOU'RE THE DIPSHIT PUMP)

Water you doing, weirdo?

You think just because you're in the "judgement free zone", that you're not gonna get judged?

Think again, fruitloop. I just sat there, staring at him, silently judging him so hard. Dude could definitely feel the judging.

The best part? This song was PUMPIN' on my mp3 player.

Shitz so awesome, not sure how you can listen to this and not squat 5,000 lbs, not be in a good mood, and not get PUMPED.

Speaking of the judgement free zone, Heckyeahwoman brought up a good point: if you drop a bomb (fart) while workin' out, does anybody have any right to judge you?

Whatever, I do it all the time. Cause I LOVE FARTING IN PUBLIC. (PUBLIC FARTER PUMP)

Last thing here, and I have no idea how much this is going to PUMP you up, other than the fact that you should be glad you aren't this returd.

Not gonna drop some Shakespearean prose on you or anything, just gonna tell you straight up: I saw some motherfucker in the locker room, sitting on the bench in just his boxers, picking his toes.


Not just scratching an itch, not pulling a splinter out of his foot, FURIOUSLY PICKING THE LINT FROM HIS TOES. Furrowed brow, squinted eyes, serious look on his face, he meant business.

Now I'm not sure if this was pre or post-workout, but it was happening. I have no idea if the lint in his toes was inhibiting his ability to burn calories or build muscle, but it was inhibiting my ability to not FUCKING KILL HIM.

Thing is, I could talk shit to him, but he looked mildly retarded. I could coerce him into fighting me, but that would involve him touching me. And those toe-picking fingers aren't gonna get anywhere near me or my moneymaker. So all I did was say, "I hope you wash your hands, bro", as I walked into the gym to begin my workout.

And I swear, it must have been an act of Science, because this was the first song on my mp3 player:


1 comment:

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