Monday, November 8, 2010

different gestation periods

Let's look at some of the different gestation periods among mammals.

Hamster - 16 days
Squirrel - 44 days
Goat - 145 days
Human - 266 days
Camel - 400 days (that's over a year!)

Pretty crazy, huh?

I wonder what the gestation period would be for a chocolaty heck yeah, man steamer treat? Let's investigate.

First thing I'm thinking is that wow, those mammals gestate the shit outta their young. My gestation isn't gestation, so much as it's more of a lettin' it stew kinda thing.

Depending what I eat, let's see how long it takes me to birth a coffee-colored bastard abomination:

Burritos - 15 minutes. If I manage to finish the whole thing, it could be up to fifteen minutes; if I only put down half to three quarters of it, we're lookin' at upwards of a 25 minute gestation. And that doesn't even count the seven or eight minutes worth of painful partial birth action.

Buffalo wings - they need their own category, check it:
From Wingzone - 7.5 minutes, MAX. I can barely even finish all the wings before my "water breaks".
Farrah's - Anywhere from 10-12 HOURS. Farrah's wings are good to me. Never get any preemies from them.
Anywhere else - 10-12 minutes. Wings generally shoot through me like a laser, not giving the final product very long to stew.

Pizza - yep, depending where its from, it could range from negative five minutes (Big Lou's delicious buffalo chicken, I'm looking at you) to an entire day (most anywhere else).

Hamburgers - Usually hamburgers stay brewin' in my bowels for the average length of their regular gestation. Now if we're talking about that really delicious hamburger I ate at for lunch by the pool at the fancy resort I was at for my honeymoon, then the truth is, I pissed that thing outta my ass before IT WAS EVEN SERVED TO ME. No kidding, right as I ordered it, I had to make a beeline for the turlet. It was messy, bloody, and very very runny.

I wish I could comment on a more diverse range of foods and their gestation periods, but I really fucking hate diversity, and burritos, buffalo wings, pizza, and hamburgers are about all that I eat. OK, I pound beer, whiskey and ice cream on the regular too, but it's Sunday night and I got things to do, bruh.

***Super-sexy bonus note about the weekend***

Last week at work, some people went out (thanks for the call, friends), and went to some bar where they were drinking whiskey shots, and chasing them with shots of pickle juice. Like everybody was talking about it. All day. As luck would have it, I wound up at that very same bar on Saturday night. Naturally the first thing I did was flag the waitress down, and, DE-FUCKING-MAND "whiskey pickle shots".

Being kind of disturbed by how eager I was, the waitress put the rush on the shit, and within seconds I was doing whiskey shots, followed by a chaser of pickle juice.

I don't know, but it was REALLY FUCKING GOOD.


Chris Plumb said...

Your blog fucking sucks

heavy sleeper said...


Chris Plumb said...

didn't I thought, didn't I?

Nick Mekas said...

guys, guys, this is the real nick mekas here. i just wanted to come clean and say sorry for the awkward moment earlier regarding the comcast letter - i downloaded that scott pilgrim on our network, along with a few others like madagascar 2 and what women want. not to mention a few adult movies. i will come clean with mike tomorrow so no one gets in trouble.

TAMPA SPAM said...


btw - wtf is with those comments?

Either G A F or spam...