Tuesday, August 3, 2010

as wet as it was warm

Maybe some of you are avid bodybuilders. Maybe not. Maybe you chug protein shakes like it's the antidote. Again, maybe not.

Whether you are the world's strongest man, a weekend warrior, or a gym rat, there's a good chance you are familiar with protein shakes. More specifically, their gaseous byproduct: protein farts.

Not in the know? Drink protein shakes, get the protein farts. Simple.

Buh, wuh ih a protein fart; and how is it different from a regular fart? Well, what exactly is a regular fart? Not too odious, not too subtle? Moderately loud, but not explosive? Neither wet nor dry, almost misty?

Doesn't matter. If you drink protein shakes, you're going to be farting a little more than normal...for about the first year or so. A protein fart is merely a side effect. That and getting all JACKED AND TAN AND AWESOME YOU FUCKING PUSSIES UR NOTHIN BUT POTATOES. I MASH U.

(lol, I think we just found my next vanity plates: I MASH U)

Anyway, protein farts. I've been drinking a post-workout protein shake erry time for the last 5-ish years. I had my protein farting stage, and it passed.

But goddamn, the five year mark must be some sort of hallmark for protein consumers. Yeah, that's right, I got a pre-protein shake fart the other day. Wrap your HGH-free head around that, pussybeats: pre-protein shake farts.

Only one explanation for this phenomenon - the anticipation.

True story, I got home from the gym, and as I reached for my bag 'o protein, I unleashed a cloud of brown mist upon my banana hammock. It was as wet as it was warm. As moist as it was putrid. As surprising as it was natural.

As unsettling as it was comforting.

My poor (admittedly little) underwear just endured a brutal workout, then it had to endure a suffocating liquid skid mark (liksquid mark?). The horror.

Maybe it was just a normal fart, a little unexpected flatulence. I can't really prove that it was a pre-protein shake fart. I can confirm, however, that it was a percussive propulsion with a propensity para peligroso al Mundo.

Not really much else to say here - it happened, I lived, and I'm going back to the gym tomorrow. Will keep you posted.

*right as i was about to post this, i totally had a thought for a new blog post: i just joined a new gym!

1 comment:

Get the Tampa OUtta here said...

Squidmarks in your banana hammock?

I think imma shoot myself now after that visual...