Wednesday, July 7, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: PREGNANCY TEST

Don't be deceived by the relatively short length of this HDPU: there's A LOT of PUMP in here.

Like 3 days before the wedding, I ran into the bathroom to spill a little urine right quick. No biggie. Since we were about to have a couple house guests for the next couple days, and I was already in the bathroom, I might as well clean the turlet up a bit. Pulling the roll of paper towels from the cabinet under the sink, I notice a little piece of paper fall onto the ground.

It must have been stuck on the bottom of the roll.

Might as well pick it up and throw it awa-WHAT THE FUCK!

It's a torn off piece of wrapper from one of these goddamn things:






















Uhhhhh, Heckyeahwoman, wtf?

First thought: SON OF A BITCH FUCK FUCK FUCK SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

Second thought: why the hell would she, or anyone, take a pregnancy test in my cesspool of a bathroom?

Third thought: Goddamnit.

At the time I had no idea, but potentially the biggest PUMP of my life came when Heckyeahwoman got home a couple hours later and told me that she's not pregnant. And that the wrapper wasn't even from her pregnancy test. She reminded me that she only steps foot in my bathroom when it's an absolute necessity. And taking a pregnancy test in a filthy environment is not an "absolute necessity".

Fair enough.

Must've been a wrapper stuck in the cabinet from a former tenant. Or maybe Heckyeahwoman's sister - who has stayed here (and used my bathroom) multiple times. Who knows.

So get PUMPED UP knowing that I'm not gonna be a father!

So PUMPED UP just thinking about it.

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