Wednesday, July 21, 2010

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: MADE IT TO THE TOILET

So check this out, quick little PUMPY story about our honeymoon. And it doesn't include any consummation. Awwwwwwwww yeah.

First day, we get to the first fancy hotel, and they have a "wine and cheese reception" every evening from 6-7. Lucky for us, we were always around at that time...uh, so we hit the wine and cheese reception every day we stayed there.

Most of us know what wine does to you - it gets you drunk.

Similarly, most of us know what cheese does to you - it constipates you a little bit.

Finally, most of us know what any food does to me - it gives me explosive diarrhea.

WINE AND CHEESE PUMP! EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA UNPUMP!

So after three straight nights of wine and cheese from 6-7, we head to the next destination. Sadly, they didn't have a wine and cheese reception. But the owner of the property was really nice and helpful. He even suggested a couple fantastic restaurants to eat at.

His first choice, El Quenepa, was the first place we hit. Not even sure what that means, but el quenepo is a tree that grows these really tasty fruit nut things. Whatever. We drunkenly stumbled upon the place, and recognized the name, so we stopped in for dinner.

Of course the dinner was wonderful, as I ate the shit out of some Mahi Mahi. Then I ate the shit out of some insane flan.

Out of nowhere, "rumble rumble", my belly says. Excusing myself, I head to the men's room to unleash hell. All I could release was a slow trickle of urine.

Not worried, I head back to the table to get the bill, and bust. After a few more belly rumbles, my urge to get out of there intensifies. Sadly, the service was slow, but finally we're on our way.

Right as I pull up to our casa, it's go time. I had to shit so bad I could taste it. Seriously, I could. Disgusting. Being on the third floor was awesome, as we had an amazing view of the island, but that's three (3) goddamn flights of stairs I'm going to have to go up to get to the bathroom. Also love how the dude gave us two (2) keys that look exactly the same, and only one (1) unlocks the door. And I never choose the correct key first.

It's humid, and I've been sweating so hard for the last couple minutes. This brewing, steaming, almost certainly liquid bowel movement is only making me sweat more. The anticipation of whether or not I'll make it to the bathroom in time isn't helping either. Gettin' so PUMPED UP right now.

Finally the sweet sound of a door being unlocked rings out, and I dash for the bathroom. It was glorious. And I thought I was sweating furiously before the elimination lol, shoot, it was the during that got me.

The PUMPIEST BROWN-MAKING EVER.

It's funny, after the first couple days, eating so much cheese, and getting so plugged up, it makes sense that after the first day at the next place, I would destroy the laws of human biological waste excretion.

AND THAT MAKES FOR ONE PUMPED UP DUDE

EXTRA BONUS PUMP: I was riding my bike the other day and got hit by a car - dude was gonna run a red light, and didn't see me. That sucked.

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