Friday, July 30, 2010

do you think i'm stupid?

Cause ESPN is telling me I am.

Recently, I witnessed an ad for an upcoming show, featuring a discussion of the best batting stances of all time.

Wait what?

The best batting stances of all time?

Yo, I watch Sportcenter. It's true. And I'll watch Outside the Lines, Baseball Tonight, and NFL Live. Yeah, every once in a while they'll have a lame discussion, and then Stephen A Smith will show up yelling about white devils, the NBA being racist, and other retarded stuff. To a reasonable ear, his rants come across as poorly spoken half-english, half-gibberish. But that's not the point. OK the point is always: fuck Stephen A Smith. Sorry, I meant Stephen A Smiff.

BUT the other point is that some dumb shits at ESPN think I might be interested in a show about the best batting stances of all time.

The best pitchers of all time, the best home run hitters of all time, the best championship teams of all time, the best bench clearing brawls of all time, the best baseball boners of all time, the best Lou Piniella meltdowns of all time, the Best Westerns of all time - these are all things that would make for an infinitely more interesting television program than one about batting stances.

Think about it: you're going to have a bunch of cracker ass honkeys talking about people essentially just standing around. Just standing around. Cause that's what batters do, when they're in a batting stance. They stand there.

And what's the only way to make just standing around even worse? Make them wait for something. They're waiting for a pitch.

From the ages of roughly 3, to about 19 (28 if you count holiday visits), I would pick my nose and wipe them under my mom's coffee table. That's about a million times more interesting than John Kruk's batting stance.

If I ever remember, I'll film a 20 minute segment talking about that. I may invite a few friends over, have a little panel-type discussion, and then have my mom come out, and drop the bomb on her. Heck yeah.

Totally unrelated: one time I whacked off in an elevator. True story.

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