Monday, May 24, 2010

concerts suck

I just had a mini-revelation: concerts suck.

My friend just posted his long ass list of summer concerts, and after being almost in amazement at how many shows he's going to, I immediately felt sorry for him. No, not because of the complete and utter shittiness of each of those shitty bands he's going to have to suffer through, but because he's going to con himself into believing that he had a good time.

Yeah he'll probably get loaded, see some titties, hang out with friends, make bad decisions, and laugh a shitload...but that's just an illusion. No fun was actually had.

OK, fun was actually had when he and a friend both shit in the port-o-potty at the same time.

Now don't take this the wrong way, but for somebody with such a great taste in music, he's got a horrible taste in music. Not only that, but he's the foremost authority on pudding baths; and he's also an all around great guy. So great that I told him to stand up in my wedding. In fact, I don't think I've ever met anybody who doesn't like the kid. Besides me.

But enough sucking his dick (haha not really) - we've got meatier things to cover here.

Having listed a range of concerts, from intimate club shows to huge festivals, he'll be seeing music at a variety of different venues.

The only thing I'm thinking is "HEADACHE".

COST - From high ticket prices to ridiculously expensive drinks, to getting busted trying to smuggle your own booze & drugs in, it's a goddamn ripoff. I checked ticket prices for an upcoming Maroon 5 concert, which is infinitely better than any show that anybody will be attending this summer/ever, and they were $138 each. I can only imagine how much the beer costs. Parking? Shit ain't free either, dawg.

Don't even get me started on concert and or festival food. No, not Festival Foods, the grocery chain, but festival food, the tasty/shitty/overpriced noms you eat at festivals, bruh. You ever had an $8 hot dog? No? Oh, you're not missing much, other than serious anger management issues.

GETTING THERE - Some say that it's the journey, and not the destination that's important. Whether you're driving just downtown, only to drive back home loaded after the show, or you're making a road trip out of it, chances are, I'm gonna be pissed off about something. Maybe it's arguing with my friends about who's gotta drunk drive home. Maybe it's your asshole friends driving you FUCKING NUTS on the road trip. Either way, I'm getting FUCKING ANGRY just thinking about it.

ENVIRONMENT - People. Always so many goddamn people. I hate people. I hate crowds. I hate fun. I hate everything. Bumping into every asshole ever on your way to the bar, and then bumping into every asshole ever again, only with a full drink. My hands got sticky as I typed that. Oh yeah, it's gonna be hot as fuck - I hope you brought deodorant. That, or anti-sweaty-douchebag repellent.

With all those people, you know there's gonna be lines. Lines to get a drink, lines to get in, lines to use the turlet, lines to get in line, lines to snort, holy SHIT. Do you know what you do in lines? You stand there waiting. Do you know what you generally do at every concert you go to? You stand there. Do you like standing? Cause I sure as shit don't.

And you can deny this all you want, but the bands sound like shit. The club has horrible acoustics, the outdoor festival's sound is drowned out by the massive crowd, and your ears are shot from going to shitty shows for the last 15 years. You lose.

SHITTING AT SHOWS - Last thing, shitting at a show, club, festival, etc. Worst idea ever.

TRUTH - I could listen to the record in my apartment with the AC blasting, the lights off, in my own sweet chair. I can mosh in my living room with heckyeahwoman and our ferrets.

I can make a sweet mix cd, put it on, only travel all the way from the computer in my living room to my porch (about 6 feet), listen to a bunch of bands, drink cheap beer, not wait in line for anything, not have to hang out with any of my friends, be outside on the porch, fire up the grill, pause the music, go take a shit, take a shower, come back, and not miss a note of my favorite songs.

Concerts, this FUCK YOU is for you.


Dus said...

hahaha LOLz everywhere.

Yep, I gotta agree with most of that, I hate waiting/standing/paying/etc. And although I'm not goin to all those shows I listed, i am going to a majority of them, and I will think of how much you would hate it, while I'm standing there in between 2 hipsters waiting to get an overpriced PBR at the shitty bar while subpar music is being blasted through a shitty amplification system in a sweaty meat locker of a dirty club.

Whisky and Misfits records and porch cigars and cheese-filled meat does sound pretty glorious in comparison.

heck yeah, man said...

it's funny, we're both unemployed, and neither of our blog-posting is gonna increase.

but heck yeah to cheese-filled meat.