Monday, April 26, 2010

we're expecting!

There's a bun in the oven! Due late December 2010

OK lol, that's not true.

But let's talk a little bit about babies. You know, I've thought about having kids, and while the idea sickens me, I've come around. A bit. At first, I was 100% against having kids. Truth be told, I still pretty much am, but my tall friend had one, and his little guy is pretty awesome.

Wait, did you catch that?

"His little guy" in a baby boy. Not a daughter. A son. Not to sound like a dick or anything, but I really wouldn't want a daughter. Besides, isn't that what abortions are for? Haha, no not to abort women because they're women, but to have a better handle on the gender of your child.

If I am forced into parenthood, I just have a few requests.

First, I would want a preemie. WHAT? Hey just hear me out now. Everybody knows that pregnant women are unbearable when they're pregnant. Hell, most women are unbearable anyway. Imagine doubling that already inherent unbearableness, for 9 months of your short life, by adding a pregnancy. Yeah, no thanks.

I don't know about you, but I'm trying to cut out the shitty things from my life. And as far as I'm concerned, a crabby pregnant wife ain't kosher, bruh. Do I really want to deal with 9 months of bitchiness, only to be rewarded with 18 more YEARS of shit? Do I? Do you? And this is going to be something I'm going to address in a future post - things that are generally accepted, that cause people to be pissy. Don't worry, I'll explain later. Maybe.


Do I think my (future) wife's a bitch? No I don't think she's a bitch, that's why I'm marrying her, CAUSE SHE'S NOT A BITCH.

The way I see it, if I can knock off a couple months of the impending bitchiness, that'd be pretty sweet. Every little second counts.

The sooner it's out the womb, the sooner it's out my house.

Another thing, can I have a talking baby? I don't know where I'll be in my life when the baby is born; but like, I know that I'm not going to have time for him to not verbally communicate with me. It's just a fact: babies that don't talk are lamer than babies that do talk. Something else that would be sweet, a baby that is able to toss a football with me.

So the baby's born, now what? It needs to be taken care of, I guess. I don't want to pay some shithead to take care of HeckyeahMAN Junior, so one of us is going to have to stay home with it.

Obviously, we both volunteered to be a stay at home parent. Ok, that's cool, we both want to do it. Nice. But what makes the most sense for the family? I've been thinking about making a career change anyway. I've been thinking about becoming a teacher. Kind of a thankless job, but I have a feeling that career change is gonna pay off bigtime. BIGTIME.

You see, when we decide who gets to be a stay at home parent, how the hell is the family going to survive on a teacher's salary. Heckyeahwoman is a doctor. A DOCTOR! Doctor's make a lot of money. More than teachers.


On second thought, it looks like we're gonna have to get a nanny after all. Yeah, I'm not gonna have any time for a kid. Like, if I'm gonna be a stay at home dad, I'm gonna have a lot of stuff to do all day: wailing on my guitar, pounding on my drums, biking furiously, hitting the gym, hitting the pool, eating, sleeping in, and a little bit of cleaning. I'm not sure where I'm going to be able to fit a baby in.

In summary, babies should just be born as adults. Sure would save me a bunch of trouble.

Totally unrelated, as I've been typing this up, I've been watching a marathon of The Hills. Quick analysis: Audrina hot, Lauren childish, Lo bitchy, Brody spoiled, Spencer fuggen douchebag, Heidi dumb, Whitney normal, Frankie drunk, Doug durrrr.


Tall Dad said...

Good post. Try adopting. Cures all your problems - EXCEPT he's not your blood. If you can deal with that, you get NO pregnancy, NO non-talking baby, BALL TOSSING (not sexually perv), etc.

Do it.

If he turns out shitty blame the DNA, if he turns out great take credit for the parenting! WIN-MOTHERFUCKING-WIN!

D said...

quality post.
you should have the text stitched onto your first-born son's favorite blanket or pillow or something...just to let him know how much you care