It's time to come clean; and this blog must be the vessel.
I know I've talked multiple times about our Lost parties - friendly gatherings centurd on...uh, the TV show, Lost. Every week a different person hosts it at their place - they supply the TV, dinner, and wine. And then I supply the assholery.
It's a pretty sweet deal, as everybody always cooks really tasty, awesome food. Except for *******. He could cook really tasty, awesome food; but he has class late, and has been ordering really tasty, awesome pizza instead. No complaints.
So a couple weeks ago, it was our turn. Usually Heckyeahwoman cooks something awesome, and I clean up. Well this time I wanted to be more involved. And then clean up lol.
What better way to do that than with a CHILI COOK OFF!?!?!?
Heck yeah, chili is awesome.
She was gonna make a white chicken chili, and I was going to make a traditional red, meaty chili. Both definite crowdpleaserz.
Obviously it was a chili cook off - this was gonna be competitive. I knew I was going to lose, it's hard to compete with that white chicken chili. It's just too tasty, man. Seeing the daunting challenge ahead of me, I cheated. Yes, I cheated by finding a recipe online that had beer in it. Who doesn't want BEER in their CHILI!?!?!?
PUSSIES, that's who.
So the night before, we were cutting up veggies and shit, slavin' away for the big showdown. Talkin' mad shit to each other, we almost ended the future marriage before it even began. Luckily, cooler heads prevailed, as we realized it was just a chili cook off, bruh. No hard feelings, just a shitload of meat and cayenne pepper.
Deep down though, I knew it was a contest. I knew it.
Heckyeahwoman vs the writers at heck yeah, man.
The Doctor vs The Dickhead.
Beauty vs the Beast. Not sure why I capitalized the second B.
Yes, this is going to be epic.
Not gonna lie, as I cooked my chili, I had ulterior motives. It's true. My plan was to add peppers, spices, hot sauce, and other shit, to induce the most insane diarrhea ever.
I didn't want to unleash the 'rrhea on myself. No, I didn't even want to unleash it on Heckyeahwoman. Nah, I wanted to unleash it on our guests.
Yep, I wanted them to get a severe case of the shits...while they were at our place.
You see, considering the layout of our apartment, I thought it would be absolutely hilarious if one of the guests got explosive diarrhea and lit up the bathroom. Especially considering it's close proximity to the living room and all...
...WHERE EVERYBODY WAS SITTING, LISTENING, HEARING EVERY GUT WRENCHING WET FART AS IT SPILLED OUT INTO MY FRESHLY POLISHED PORCELAIN THRONE.
Check out the layout of our living room to get a better idea of the horrors I had planned.
See? Pretty prime idea, right? Yeah, except the thing is, NOBODY TOOK A SHIT. Not that I could tell anyway. Though I did receive personal confirmation that **** did lay a couple steamers when he got home later.
Whatever, the chili turned out great, though mine was really too spicy. OMG, how funny is it that today is Tuesday, and Lost is on tonight?