Tuesday, April 13, 2010

my thoughts on strip clubs

In a couple days, I'll be furiously celebrating my bachelor party. And it seems that everybody equates bachelor parties with strip clubs.

Well let me share with you my thoughts on strip clubs. Because honestly, this post will kill not 2, but 3 birds, with one stone: I can share my feelings on strip clubs; I can attempt to ease Heckyeahwoman's fears; and I can waste a daily post doing so.

Truth is, I'm not a fan of strip clubs. I am, however, an avid fan of porn, hot chicks, fake boobs, and naked hot chicks with fake boobs, but not strip clubs.

Let me tell you why. The main reason is "other dudes". What? But isn't a strip club full of hot naked chicks with fake boobs, which you just admitted you were fan of? Generally, yes they are. But where you have hot naked chicks with fake boobs, you're going to have other dudes.

More dudes.

And one thing I'm not a fan of, is other dudes. Especially creepy weirdos at strip clubs that I don't know.

What are they doing to bother you? Aren't they just there to see some naked slores dance? Well, yes and no.

Many men get lapdances.

And during the lapdances, the stripper presumably presses her breasts into the man's face. But that's not the problem. The problem is that you don't exactly know how many lapdances each broad has given, and how many dudes have already slobbered all over her rack.

Not smellin' what I'm cookin'? Well, let me connect the dots: having dude-slobbered-on-tits in your face is FUCKING DISGUSTING. It's essentially like sloppy seconds-lite. Or more realistically, like kissing another man, which really isn't my thing.

Please allow me to put it into slightly gentler terms for you: would you happily sleep on another man's pillow, without washing it first? Isn't that kind of gross?

You're goddamn right it's gross.

I've never had a lapdance before; but I have a feeling it would be kind of awkward. Like, your friends just paid some broad to gyrate on you for a couple minutes. Do you talk at all? What would you say?

"Oh hey, yeah, my friends paid you, eh? That's pretty cool".
"Do you hate your job/life?"
"Do you hate me?"
"Do you look down on me for being the beneficiary of my friends paying a naked woman to dance on me? And if so, do you think I should look down on you for being party to this awkwardness?"
"You see that guy over there? That's my weird uncle; how much would I have to pay you to sleep with him?"

Then, of course, my other gripes about strip clubs are pretty typical - paying a cover to get into a bar where the drinks are more expensive, while hanging out with scumbags you don't know, blah blah blah.

There you have it, a 28 year old man, broadcasting to the internet that he thinks strip clubs are dumb, and that he doesn't care about lapdances. Sue me.

1 comment:

Justin said...

tell us the real reason...