Thursday, April 22, 2010

crazy spider in our apartment

Just got a short little story today. It's really too terrifying to dwell on.

Look at the pictures below. Think about it.
















How does that spider make you feel? Does it creep you out at all? Are you totally comfortable with spiders? What if one of these guys was crawling on you?

It's a jewel spider.


















Look at that gross ass creature from hell. Feel the scratchy tickle as it crawls up your arm.

GD.

Now flash back a couple months in time with me...back in time for the Holidays '09, early December.

Being that I hate Christmas, and for the past 4 years have forbidden anything Christmas related in my domicile, we don't have many Christmas decorations. Like, not more than a wreathe.

So I bought a little fake, plastic Christmas tree, with lights already included, for Heckyeahwoman. It was hard, but when she made that sad face at Target, I had to pull the trigger on it.

Then we decide we're hosting Christmas this year. At our place. Oh Sit.

Not wanting to look like the MASSIVE SCROOGE that I am, to her parents - I agreed that we needed a few Christmas decorations. But yo I ain't wanna buy any lol.

Bless the heavenz above, because our friend, ****, kindly offered to let us borrow a nice big box of her extra decorations. Little did she know of the terror lurking beneath the cardboard.

After having brought the box home, and letting it sit in the corner for a week and a half, it was time to get FESTIVE.

And get festive we did: we put on some Christmas music, and started unpacking the box. After a good 5 minutes of decorating, we were spent, and retreated to our respective couches. Goddamnit, I just sit down, grab my beer, and realize it's empty. Looking over at Heckyeahwoman to see if she wants me to grab her one, I notice a shy smile on her face, telling me that yeah, shawtie needz one too.

As I get up to grab a couple brewskies, I hear a playful "honey?". With digust, hatred, and rage, I glare at her as she asks me to "cover her with the blanket that's sitting on the side of the couch". Twatevz, I'ma grab this blanket and gently cover Heckyeahwoman, but BAM!

A GODDAMN JEWEL SPIDER!!!


THERE IT IS, JUST SITTING THERE ALL PEACEFUL N SHIT. BUT STILL, CREEPY AS HELL. FEEL THE WEIGHT OF ITS 8 EYES CRUSHING MY SOUL, DESTROYING MY BEING.

"GET OFF MY BLANKET, DAWG!", I yelled at it as I just about had an asthma attack. I don't even have asthma. Well, I didn't until that fateful day.

The rest is a blur. I truly don't remember what happened. Somehow we disposed of it, but for the life of me I can't put place my finger on how, or what, we did. Immediately after the disposal, the blame game started. After a half hour of blaming each other, I finally put it together - the box of decorations was sitting on the couch, within centimeters of the blanket. The spider obviously crawled out of the box, and decided to chill out on the goddamn blanket.

I lifted the cloud of blame from Heckyeahwoman. And got her some ice for her black eye. Heh, don't ever blame me for bringing a jewel spider into the house, gurl.

Editor's note: I had this scheduled to post shortly after Christmas. I have no idea why it never did.

1 comment:

Tampa whatsup said...

Timeless - good story nonetheless. I'm sitting here with my pipe in front of the fireplace and Bing Crosby playing in the background enjoying your blog today.

I reach down, between my legs and ease the seat back before gently squeezing the trigger of my pistol I have firmly planted in my temple.