Tuesday, March 2, 2010

i would never serve that to them redux

A bit more about this past Saturday night's festivities, as semi-promised in yesterday's post:

Aw yeah, it happened again. You better believe it.

The last time, I deviously planned to serve our good friends, Ryan & Machel (names changed again, shitdicks), some shitty meatloaf frozen dinner meat thing. This time, the item in question is a thirst quenching, southern red table wine.

My bad: thirst quenching, southern red, PREMIUM table wine.

A little back story: A couple months ago, before the original "i would never serve that to them" was even a mere inkling in my sick little mind, I went to the Winn (lose) Dixie to take advantage of their seemingly endless buy-one-get-one wine deals. Seriously, I've never been there when there hasn't been a BOGO deal with the wine.

And worse, of the probably 300 times I've been to the Winn, in my 4+ years here in Gainesville, I've probably indulged 80% of the time.

So I was at the Winn, just perusing the BOGO wines, and after finding the cheapest ($5.99/bottle), I grabbed two. Little did I know that as fate would have it, this would be the "southern red" in question. Upon returning home, I didn't think anything of it as I threw the bottles in the wine rack, and proceeded to continue on with mah daily lyfe.

Still "thinking nothing of it", a couple nights later, I opened a bottle of that southern red, and poured a glass for both Heckyeahwoman and myself.

"JESUS CHRIST THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!", I announced, as the warm, toiletwater-esque liquid passed my lips. With a smile on her pretty face, Heckyeahwoman comforted me, "It's not that bad", as she took a sip. Almost instantly, that pretty face turned to a disgusted grimace, as she damn near spit it out at me.

We both decided it tasted like shit. It was very sweet and fruity, kinda like my gay uncle Gord.

Then, reality sets in: we have a whole second bottle of this red-hued piss. Not cool, bruh.

Grudgingly we choked down the rest of the bottle that night; I believe we mixed it with 7up and Vodka or something. What the hell were we gonna do with the other bottle though?

"Next time we go over to Ryan & Machel's, we can just bring it, and leave it over there, no biggie", I suggested.

That was met with a "honey, no!".

Fast forward like 4 months - to this past Saturday night, guess who we got coming over!

Yep, Ryan & Machel. And oh goodie, they brought a half-empty bottle of wine with them! You know they're gonna kill that, and need a refill at some point. Within an hour, that vision became a reality - as they both had empty glasses, and Machel went out on the porch to take a phone call. We quickly told Ryan the story of the shitty wine, and he lolled & wanted to try it.

What a good sport.

So of course he sampled it, and was just as disgusted with it was we were. Always the gentleman, he filled up Machel's glass with some of it. She got back in, and without telling her the horrible truth, informed her that we simply refilled her glass for her.

Responding happily, she reached for the glass to take a sip, as we watched with baited breath. Seriously, it was like we were watching a cat about to give birth to kittens. The glass touched her lips, and we all saw the liquid pass through; and then her facial expression changed dramatically.

"Oh my god this is delightful!", she exclaimed.


It's true, she enjoyed it, and went on to drink more throughout the night.

But what of this "throughout the night" business? Am I suggesting that our Saturday nights consist of more than just tricking girls into drinking shitty wine? You bet I am.

We watched the movie "Up". Yes, the Disney-Pixar joint. After having seen part of "Wall-E", I was less than enthused about this probable piece of shit. Our male guest shared my sentiment, but the gurlz were pumped, so whatever.

Surprisingly, the movie was quite engaging - even though we aren't children. The fact that it's a cartoon, the simple storyline, and the more fantastic bits of the screenplay were the only things, in my eyes, that qualified it as a movie for children. There was action, adult themes, blood, abortions, and death. All awesome stuff for sure, but it was glazed over enough where a kid could miss it, but yo, an older mind will grasp what's happening.

And yes, I said death - plenty of death. This movie had a higher kill count than that newest Rambo flick. Just because you don't see all the gore and awesome brutality when some dude falls out of a hot air balloon, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Seriously, you see a shitload of motherfuckers falling out of that hot air balloon. You just don't see them all smooshed and shit on the ground.

And abortion? You betcha. Well, if you've seen the movie, I'm sure you could argue miscarriage; but I'm definitely thinking second-trimester abortion. Whatever, pretty decent movie.

But yeah, the wine - you would never serve that to them? Well I would, and I did. Sorry!


Tampa said...

Good post HYM!

Lars said...

haha this happened to me once in new york. got some bottle that said "JAMAICAN RED TABLE WINE" (no fronting on the premo). it even had a checkered label like some italian tablecloth. when we got home the shit tasted like cherry twizzlers! it was kind of syrupy too. way too sweet and thick to just drink, we ended up mixing 50/50 with vodka (this wine, now mixer, was 16% alcohol already) -- and that wasn't too bad. That's how ridiculously sweet this wine was. "from" Jamaica.