Thursday, March 4, 2010

holy shit i hate paula dean

Not really the best title for today's post, but in general, a pretty great title. See, I really do hate Paula Dean, and we'll get to that in a minute (guess what, I hate her because she's fat!).

I want to take this opportunity to wrap up a few thoughts I've had over the last couple months. Nothing life changing, just a few ideas I jotted down, that I thought would be worth mentioning.

First, it all started when Heckyeahwoman and I were having a chilled out Friday night. Damn, this musta been a couple months ago. We were watching some wedding show about a bitch shopping for a wedding dress. Well guess what, she found a beautiful dress that she just had to have. So she got it.

Yes, the groom-to-be was very reluctant to purchase it, because of the price; but that's nothing a little wifely bickering can't fix. Besides, what's a couple thousand dollars over your budget?!? You're only gonna get married a couple times in your life anyway - you should make the most of it each time, and splurge a little. C'mon, live a little.

Then the dress arrived; she tried it on, and she hated it lol. I don't know, I thought it looked fine. I mean, the chick wasn't hot or anything, but she wasn't fat, and the dress looked OK. Then the ROFL happened: she asked the store for a refund! Cause that dress wasn't custom ordered or anything, you DUMB FUCK.

Can you even do that? Can you show such stupid shit on TV? Should I be hollering at the FCC? This might be worse than the Janet Jackson Super Bowl boob slip.

OK, back to Paula Dean, and this has nothing to do with the first story. One night a while ago, we were watching TV, and somehow Paula Dean came on. Her show was horrible - she deep fried everything, poured butter all over it, salt, everything that is bad for you, she did.

Even worse: her hideous southern accent/voice. The way she says "so delicious", just grates on my ears. It's like a southern twang, informed by clogged arteries. Sew deeelishthisths.

I didn't have the time or the patience to find the commercial where she says the phrase in question; but I did manage to find this most unappetizing shit show.

I sincerely and truly hope she dies. Well not until after she cooks my lunch on Friday when we visit her restaurant in Savannah. Lol, I'm blaming Heckyeahwoman for making me go there.

One more thing. You know what this picture is?

It's a ferret in a litter box. No, not one of our girls, but a random, Google images-sponsored picture of a ferret in a litter box. Look at the tail curling, the head pointing upward and outward. That's how all ferrets go potty.

Well, ours usually aren't in the litter box when they're going potty lol.

But the thing is, when I let them out of the cage at night, we usually like to have them drop one real quick, you now, so they're not doing it on the carpet. Most nights they're good, and they'll go potty, then come out and play. They get it: go potty, and come out and play. Sometimes they'll step into the litter box, assume the position, then jump right back out. Not sure if they don't have to go, or if they're just trying to trick me.

Either way, after a couple times, they'll usually go. The thing is, I'm watching them, to make sure they go - like standing right outside the cage, telling the little shits to "go potty, motherfucker". But whenever they assume the position, I always look away.

I don't know, I just feel like it's kinda weird to be watching someone, or something, go to the bathroom. Don't get me wrong, I'll still stand there; but I'll stand real still while respectfully looking the other way.

Everybody has a right to poop in peace, man.

None of the little posts were related at all, but I wanted to indulge my creative self, and feed my ego with a "collection" of short posts. All the great writers have their own "collections", of sorts - Hemingway, Keroouuouauououac, Camus, and now *******. Yes, I am boldly lumping my name in with the classic writers that defined a generation.

Writers that moved me beyond my years.

Writers that clearly influenced my style, as a fellow wordsmith.

Writers whose works were of epic proportions.

Anyway, DUDE


Tampa Outhouse said...

Great, great post today HYM.

I do the same thing when my dogs take their two or three dumps at any opportunity. They look at me to see if I'll look away - of course I always do, but they watch me to make sure I don't peek. Most times I do to see what the hell could be taking so long!! I mean, I need to get back to the shitter myself to get my 20 minutes of peace and quality time!

Speaking of which, gotta hit the crapper...

Dus said...

This is soooo true, my roommate Brian ALWAYS looks away when i'm taking a shit.

and LOL at that southern bitch. at first I kinda thought, "GILF??", then she opened her southern mouth and starting speaking all southerny and it pissed me right off.

Scab, haha.