Tuesday, March 23, 2010

first ever HYM bounty

Any bounty hungers out there? Any of you guys (or gals) kill people for a living? If so, hit me at heckyeahman@gmail.com - cause I got some business for you.

This bitch, right here:

I'm willing to pay you a couple hundred American dollars, and I'll throw in assorted gas station gift cards (Kangaroo, Kwik Trip, Shell, & a couple Citgos). This offer ain't last forever, so get at me soon.

Anyway, I need her shot in the head ASAP. I don't care if you also take out her son, and headless hubby. A little human collateral damage never killed anybody. Well except the collateral damage lol. Bottom line though, I need that bitch dead.

But why, whuh happeh?

First, look at her. She is morbidly obese. Deathly obese. But there's more - and like her, a lot more.

See, Donna Simpson wants to be the world's fattest tub of shit. Already tipping the scales at over 600 lbs, she's a mere 400 lbs shy of her goal. That alone is reason enough for her to be murdered.

Besides the fact that she actively wants to weight 1,000 lbs, you need to consider not just the end, but the means. By consuming over 12,000 calories a day, she's looking at dropping up to $750 a week. On food.


Basically, she's eating for 6.

My rent is just a little higher than that - my monthly rent. I'm really glad that there aren't starving homeless people all over the country that would benefit from some extra food or something.

Obviously she doesn't have a real job, so how the hell does she afford to eat like that? She has her own website where she posts videos of herself. Disturbingly, it's NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Do you know what that means? It means NUDITY. Even more disturbingly, she has found other men that are willing to pay to watch her eat burgers, fries, cakes, chips, and 70-pieces of sushi at a time. For just $11 a pop, or $15 monthly, you too, can watch her scarf down all kinds of delectable delights.

I wonder if she takes requests. I would like to see her NOMNOM on some broken glass, chug bleach, or maybe even dine on deep fried cat turds. Hell, I'm ready to pay to see her eat a bullet. I wonder what would happen if you made a request for her to eat like a huge steak or something, and then had the chef switch the steak with human meat. How funny would it be to be all, "oh hey haha I switched your 3 lb porterhouse with a human steak lol punked".

Worth noting, she has a boyfriend, who is a "belly man"; and he reportedly wants her to remain obese/fat as fuck. I can only wonder about this dude's mental state. Yes, I love big titties too, but not at the price of banging a fatty. We're not 18-22 year old college students anymore.

Here's another great reason it would be sweet to see her killed. I want you to chew on this for a minute, just like she chews over-marbled ribeye gristle: "Despite the fact that Simpson cannot easily walk and uses a motorized scooter to get around, she says that she is healthy."

She can't physically walk, yet she is healthy. This, my friends, is nothing short of a medical miracle.

Maybe this is a lard-ass version of "live fast, die young". Maybe this is her version of living dangerously. Maybe excessive overeating and being fat are her drugs, alcohol, and risk taking. I never thought about it this way till now. What if this is her grabbing life by the balls, and squeezing like someone's trying to steal her chicken wing? What if. I could be looking at this all wrong; and instead of looking down at this chub, maybe I should be admiring her.

Nah, fuck that, I'm going to shoot this bitch myself. The bounty is off.

Oh hey, check out the article here, if you're not pissed off enough.

1 comment:

Vorak said...

I support this post. Fat bitch needs a wake up call and Heck Yeah Man is the only one to do it.