Tuesday, February 23, 2010

my first day at a real job

Oh god, this should be a good one. 'Specially for alla y'all 9-5ers. Let's go back a couple years to when I graduated college. It was May 04, and I was fuggin' done, man. I had to say goodbye to my friends, nonstop partying, continually disappointing my parents with substandard grades, eventual liver failure, and living on my own.

But then again, I was done with college! I would soon learn that my apathy towards my major would leave me with nothing more than a shitty piece of paper from the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, and a disappointing career path in...sales lol. But whatever, I had a degree, I was better than you.

It wasn't all bad, I moved in with my dad & stepmom in the Milwaukee area, and got started looking for a job in Milwaukee. Living with them was awesome. Turning down shitty sales job after shitty sales job wasn't. Whatever, I would take any interview I could get, just to practice interviewing. I don't know, but I enjoyed interviewing. I obviously wasn't working, and my dad would go in pretty early, and get done a little earlier, so that when he was getting home, I was just getting up lol. It was great, we'd hang out and drive my stepmom nuts.

After a month of no reasonable offers, I was getting broke, so I got a job waiting tables at the Applebee's in the hood. Fuck, I just graduated college, and I'm waiting tables again. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. Eh, the customers were unacceptable pieces of subhuman shit, but I worked with some awesome people. Even the ghetto ass bartender who told me she would, "fuck you up, whiteboy", was a blast. She was kind of hot too, but when she had parties at her place in the shitty part of the city, and she'd invite me to come over, I always had to decline. I like living.

Anyway, must've been October, I finally got a job offer that - out of desperation/hating waiting tables - I took. It was selling copiers lol. I actually worked through a recruiter who got me hooked up. When I got the job offer from the company, I called the recruiter to tell him, and to thank him. After letting him know I would put my 2 weeks in at Applebee's, and start that job accordingly, he got kind of bitchy. He had the nerve to tell me that if I had to wait 2 weeks, the job might not be waiting there for me.

Seriously, you little shit?

After asking him if he was serious, he said he was, so I let him know that uh, "that was a chance I could take"; and that if this job selling copiers was suddenly filled, I'd survive. His thing was, would Applebee's hesitate to fuck me, if it was convenient for them? I agreed, but that doesn't mean that I would do that. What a dick.

Without incident, my first day showed up. Holy fuck I had to get up early for my 45 minute drive in. I showed up early, and learned that every Monday they have a 2-3 hour meeting from 8am, to as late as 11. Ok that's cool, nothing too crazy right away.

But then it started.

The gurgling in the belly. The rumbling of the bowels. This huge 84 ounce Kwik-Trip coffee isn't helping anything.

It was like 9:00, and I had to take the most nervous diarrhea shit ever. I had to take my suit-coat off cause I was sweating so bad. Goddamn I swear everybody could hear my stomach FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

Will this shit ever end? And when it does, will I be able to sneak out for 20 mins?

And then, FUCK, the General Manager finishes up his budget presentation, and announces that his plan was to have Rich lead the sales force through an hour of sales training. WHAT MOTHERFUCKER, ANOTHER HOUR? I'm gonna fucking pop.

I almost started crying. 22 years old, and near the point of tears while wearing a suit and tie, in a business meeting.

But then the angels sang; and they sang through that General Manager, as he announced that since Rich wasn't there, we should plan on the sales training next Monday. Meeting adjourned.

I breathed a sigh of relief as everybody else took note that we'd have the training next week. But shit, can I get a couple minutes to hit the can?

By the grace of science, my manager whispered to me that he had to take care of a couple things, and he'd get with me in about a half hour. As he gave me a couple stacks of paper to read, everybody filed out of the conference room.

By this time, the sweating had chilled out a little bit, cause I knew I was about to eliminate. Never ran so fast before as I did right to the turlet.

I still wonder if anybody heard that cacophony of various bowel excrements while I unleashed.

After about 10 straight minutes of projectile liquid shitting, another 10 minutes of sloppy wiping, and 2 minutes to catch my breath/stop sweating, I was done.


Wound up being a not-so-bad first day of work. Well, as not-so-bad as it can be, considering the atrocities I committed.

Coming up AFTER tomorrow's HUMP DAY PUMP UP: my first day of work, after training.

1 comment:

Eric said...

Oh man, those days at Applebees were crazy. Going to Howards or Libbys and getting blasted. Sometimes I miss that place, but then I remember how shitty the customers were and how ghetto some of the people were.