Thursday, January 21, 2010

shopping for a couple hours: a narrative

I might be a bad son. You saw my HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD BONUS PUMP post thing from yesterday, right? Well I was going to post that for today, a day after his birthday - cause I wasn't sure if I'd have time to type up an awesome post.

Lucky for you, I had time. Read on, kids.

I don't even remember what day it was; I think maybe last Saturday. The day, itself, doesn't matter as much as what happened during the day. As my boi Graham Greene once said, that is "the heart of the matter, (motherfuckerz)". That's what we're after here.

So n-e-whey, its ur boi, out for a stroll/shop in the Archer area, ferk yeah. I had the tunes pumpin' so loud my whole car was rattling.

In fact, the tunes were so loud that I could barely even pay attention to where I was going. I can barely open my eyes, man. Dude, we were swervin' and jumpin' curbs and shit, when all of a sudden, LOOKOUT!

Holy shit, out of nowhere pops a horde of fat fucks! Goddamnit I had to swerve, to narrowly avoid missing those flibbity flabbity fat fucks!

Quickly realizing we were in the vicinity of human elephants, I turned down the tunes, and let my car idle, as I coasted past them. Shhhhhh, you don't want them to hear you. You gotta be quiet. They may think you have food; and you don't want to get trampled.

Last thing I wanted to do was turn one of those sloths into a (sub)human speedbump, like this unlucky chap from a couple weeks ago.

Besides, if they got too close, I'd just fire off a couple warning shots. Thank the heavenly lord above that I had my boyz with me. Chyeah, that’s me in the driver’s seat. You never know. My boi Meatman, he been ridin' with me, he can vouch for this.

Just in case you can’t see too well, this is me.

Clearly, I don't fuck around.

After that little scare, I headed over to Lowes. Holy shit, Lowes. You ever been to a Lowes before? I suppose it didn't help that this one is right next to the second shittiest Wal-Mart in Gainesville. You should see the shittiest.

It's literally like the walking dead shopping there. Buncha goddamn animals (lol).

No but seriously, so many hillbilly DIY'ers, as I like to call 'em. Rural-ass fuggin' DIY'ers, man.

Once we got to Lowes, we bought some stain, to stain my guitar...that I've had sitting, unassembled, for over three (3) years. More on that next week though.

By the time we were done at Lowes, I was too pissed off to continue shopping; that, and I had to get a haircut soon. So we headed home, contemplated getting some ice cream, but just went home instead. Yeah, I know, wrong choice.

Interesting little note here, as I type this up, I'm listening to the newest Vampire Weekend album, "Contra". While I didn't immediately enjoy it like I did with their previous effort, I find that it's definitely growing on me. Those little fruitloops sure can write some catchy tunes.

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