Friday, December 18, 2009

getting beat at your own game

I hate to do this to alla y'all, expecially right before the holidayz comin' up real soon. I really do.

But the tr00f is, is that this is my blog, and I'll tell a goddamn story about one of the last times I used the work bathroom, earlier this week, if I want to.

Nothing too crazy here, just me slavin' away at my desk, doin' that 9-5 grind thang, ya herd. It's what, 10 o'clock in the muhfuggin' morning; and there it is.

The first pangs of a future urination.

That slight tingle all up 'n down mah urethra, man. Lol, at first I thought I was getting another boner, but nah, it's just ur boi needin' to tinkle.

Wait, ANOTHER BONER?!?!?!?

Another story for another time, folks.

Back to me at my desk, contemplating "should I go potty", or "should I make one more phone call". Ultimately the desire to drain my dong won out, and I found myself walking slowly to the bathroom.

If you recall, the closest bathroom has one (1) urinal, two (2) stalls, and two (2) sinks. Walking into the bathroom, a grin spreads across my face as it appears nobody is in there. I breathe a quiet sigh of relief, cause last time I was in here, some dude was silently suffocating himself with probably one of the worst smelling things ever, aside from my unbearably stinky coworker.

Anyway, I'm standing there, peeing like a champ, talking quietly to myself, when out of nowhere I get the shock of a lifetime -

I hear a man's sigh echoing out of the far stall.


This dumbass is in the stall, presumably taking a shit, and I couldn't even tell!

What the hell does he think he's doing?!?!?!

Who the hell does he think he is?!?!?!

Homeboy here is straight shittin' like a girl, dawg. When I'm crappin, you're gonna know the second you walk into the bathroom. In fact, it's not uncommon for me to announce to my department what I'm about to do. My bowel movements are like events. People need to know, they need to be prepared, and they need to be kept abreast of my gastrointestinalrectal happenings.

This asshole is in there, all secretive and shit, like he's ashamed. You sonofabitch, the only shameful thing about my shitting is, well besides the innocent lives of women & children that are lost, are all the skidmarks left behind. And I'm not even that ashamed.

Anyway, this dude need to learn what's up. We're gonna teach him a lesson, gonna beat him at his own game. So on command, I bust out the only thing I know how to bust out:

(listen past the first stupid burps, starts at about 0:15)

That pretty much sounded exactly like what I did. I swear I heard him jump a little bit, like he was startled. Hell, I even startled myself. But other than that, nothing. Not a peep out of him. Not even a congratulations, not a "wow", not even a chuckle.

Me on the other hand, I was holding in some of the meatiest, heartiest ROFLs this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Just imagine ROFLing all over. God, think about what ROFL means; now imagine doing that in a public bathroom lol.

Literally, it was all I could do not to erupt into a MONSTROUS, victorious laughter.

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