Hey, I hope everybody had a great holiday! I know I did! I ate a shitload, got tore up, went on some nice bike rides, bought some crap, got my pants hemmed, tailgated furiously, and didn't work.
Wait, I got my pants hemmed!?!?!? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I GOT MY PANTS HEMMED, but we'll get to that.
But first, let's talk about Thanksgiving. Every year, since we moved down here, we'd go to Heckyeahwoman's advisor's house. His wife is a caterer and she always made the most delicious food; and they were always so hospitable and awesome. Well, they moved, and lucky for us, our good friends ***** & **** were nice enough to extend an invite to us. So we celebrated pot-luck style with a bunch of friends from Heckyeahwoman's department.
Sure enough, all the food was awesome. Well except for the bread, whoever brought that really chinsed out and got the shitty stuff. Haha just kidding, ****, the bread was awesome! But back to the goods.
A lot of times when we go to hang out with her fellow graduate students, I tell her I'm going to do something stupid. I don't usually do it, but this one time I told her I was going to punctuate everything I say with "dudebro", the whole night. Well, that time I actually did it, and she was so pissed lol.
So this time I told her I was going to punctuate everything I say with "I'm leaving"; "or I'll leave"; "otherwise I'll leave". That, or some variant of it. Initially she was pissed, but then after going through a couple examples, we both thought it would be pretty funny.
Could you please pass the stuffing? Or I'll leave.
Is there any rum punch left? Otherwise I'll leave.
Hey, good to see you, thanks for having us over! I'm leaving.
I don't know, maybe you had to be there, it was pretty funny, I swear.
OK, so yeah, I got my jeans hemmed. Let me paint a picture for you. No, not in MS Paint, but with words. Right here, in this special holiday blog post.
The day: Black Friday.
The time: about 2 pm.
The weather: A little chilly, but who cares.
I decided to brave the crowds and head out to the mall - not to necessarily shop a lot, but rather to go to the tailor there. You see, I bought a pair of jeans a year ago, and finally decided that they were just too long. lol, long in the pants. Having finally decided to get the alterations done, I found a tailor at the mall.
They were great, they could do it while I farted around at the mall for an hour.
So while I'm trying on the jeans for the lady to measure them, I hear some loudmouth box come in, talking real loud, cursing, and being a twat. This bitch is getting some alterations on some gaudy ass dress sweater thing, and she's pointing out where she wants what done, and how she marked it here and did this there.
You fucking bitch, why didn't you just do it yourself, then?
Then it's time for her to pay.
All I hear is the cashier say she "can't give change for that". Now talking louder than ever before, she announced to the store, and probably most of the mall, that she "ONLY CARRIES HUNDREDS".
As I'm emerging from the changing room, I recognize an opportunity for lols so I ask her, "do you only carry hundreds?"
And without even thinking, she offers ups a confident, "YEAH, I ONLY CARRY HUNDREDS".
There's some douchebag dude just hanging around, and he offers to give her change for her hundy. Of course he let everybody know that he too, "usually only carries hundreds". Dude, you have a shitty chinstrap beard, do you even know what a hundred dollar bill looks like?
You think you only carry hundreds, kid? Well I rock ice, son.
In fact, I don't think either of them know what a hundred dollar bill looks like. The broad had just really ugly, horrible clothes on, and looked like a manly, shitheaded woman. God I hate her.
I wound up going back there an hour later to get my jeans, and they look great! A much more appropriate jeans length, for sure.
On Saturday, we tailgated so furiously that we started partying at like 11 am. That carried on all day, and into the evening. At one point during the tailgate, some asshole (me) started blasting Cannibal Corpse on my boombox. I thought that was a great follow up to my albums from Kelly Clarkson & Maroon 5. This was the 2nd straight week of tailgating, 2nd straight Saturday night of passing out before 10pm lol. I'm getting old.
Speaking of blasting Cannibal Corpse, I blasted 2 mad dukes during the course of the day. It was brutal.
Anyway, I hope everybody had an awesome and safe holiday (though if you didn't have a safe holiday, I can assume that it wouldn't have been awesome either; and you'd probably not able to read this, as you'd most likely be dead or something) and check back tomorrow for "i'm in college". Should be a good'en.