Friday, October 23, 2009

this happens way too often

Let's recap the events that occurred today. We'll start with lunch: I went to a local Mexican restaurant with a bunch of coworkers. Without a doubt, I love Mexican food. So tasty, so awesome. But could you imagine being a vegetarian at a Mexican eatery? They don't always stock meat substitutes, so you're going to have to get your protein some other way.

That other way my friends, is through spinach and beans. Don't get me wrong, I love spinach; and I love beans. But when I'm eating lunch on a work day, I don't know if eating a shit(heh heh) load of beans is the best idea. Especially with things the way they are, I need every second I can get, to work. And write blogs.

I can't let the ill effects of overindulging in, my girl, Mother Nature's magical fruit slow me down. And by slow me down, I mean scorch my bowels. Lucky for me, I'm not a vegetarian, so I ordered a chicken taco salad. As luck would have it, THE STUPID FUCKING WAITER DIPSHIT FUCKED UP THE ORDER, AND GAVE ME this other lady's FUCKING BEEF TACO SALAD AND GAVE her MY GODDAMN CHICKEN TACO SALAD. And then, of course, the meat was buried under all the greens and shit, so there was no way of knowing THAT THE WAITER FUCKED UP, BIGTIME. Also, this lady dumped a shitload of salsa all over her (my) chicken taco salad.

To make a long story short, we didn't switch back, and I happily ate the beef; it was really good.

OK, where was I going with this. Crap. Oh yeah, no matter what I eat at Mexican restaurants, vegetarian or not, I still get mad gas. You know today isn't any different. The whole drive back to the office, I thought I was going to shit myself. In fact, I swear I felt a warm droplet of sewer water leak down my leg.

Wouldn't you know, the minute I step foot in the office, the brutal urge to shit my brains out goes away. Good, I have too much work to do anyway. Now that doesn't mean I won't be farting like crazy the rest of the afternoon until I do unleash the bowel demons.

Fast forward to about 5:02 when I left the office, I was farting pretty furiously by then. Whatever, I didn't need to drop one (or a few), so I got home, changed, and went on an awesome bike ride with heckyeahwoman. It was great.

Upon returning home, and fixing myself a protein shake, it's usually a mad dash for the terlet, once I finish it. It's like, I can't get my clothes off fast enough. So finally, I get my underwear off, and right as I'm standing in front of the toilet, about to sit down, I rip a monstrous fart. Hearing Meow Meow cry a little bit, I knew that it was truly a beast of a fart.

But here's the thing. I was right in front of the toilet, and I farted. OK, I was in the bathroom, and I farted. That's where you're supposed to fart. But what I did next, was "pretty fucking stupid". As I turned around, on my descent onto the can, my face passed right through the fart I just laid.

Not only could I smell it, but I could feel it. A hot & humid Gainesville night in August, right there in my bathroom. At the end of October. That's the densest air I've ever felt, man.

And I do this shit all the time. Yeah, I often find myself scrambling for the toilet, so haphazardly, that I fart with reckless abandon, and end up nearly melting my face off. I don't know if I've blogged about it before, or if I even want to go there, but one time I had to crap so furiously, that I-OK I guess I don't want to go there. Maybe I'll tell this story another time.

But I swear, once the protein shake enters my system, my body wants to purge. And purge hard. Aw, who am I kidding, once ANYTHING enters my system, my body wants to purge.


Dus said...

I can't tell you how hard i am LOLing at this one in the office today. Hahahaha.

Attackfrog said...

I do that all the time and thought I was the only one! It is usually when I go from standing and peeing right into sitting and pooping... Bam, there is that fart I let loose just seconds before...right in my face.