Tuesday, October 20, 2009

first time at church in ages

I recently attended a funeral. This meant I would have to go inside a church for like the first time in years. Jesus Christ, it had been at least a decade since I can remember being in a church. I was with my brother, so you know you're gonna get some good old fashioned blasphemous wackiness.

It was great to see a bunch of my family that I had either never met before, or hadn't seen in ages. I would have preferred it to be under different circumstances though.

Anyway, it was a Catholic service, so they do the communion thing. So the pastor busts out this huge ass wafer of communion, and starts breaking it up. I love communion, but I don't want a chunk that's been fingered by this unclean bastard. Not only did he not wash his hands before handling something I may potentially nomnomnom on, but I watched him dip his hands into the holy water (lol!), that other people dipped their hands into. That's not sanitary, dawg.

So anyway, the pastor and 2 of his cronies take the communion first: It was him, and 2 other people up on the altar, right next to the tabernacle thing. I'm not too sure who the other 2 people were, or what role they played. Though the lady did speak briefly, and the dude did hand the pastor some crazy smoke dispenser thing. We'll get to the smoke dispenser thing later.

So the pastor hands the dude some communion, he takes it; and it's repeated again for the lady. Up next is the BLOOD OF CHRIST. Pastor McPastorson pours some blood into a silver goblet, and hands it to the dude to sip on. After the dude takes a tug, the pastor wipes it off, and hands it to the lady. I couldn't have predicted what would happen next.

The lady receives the goblet from the pastor, and she takes a healthy tug off this thing. Reaching for it back from the lady, the pastor is ready to get his wine back. The lady had other ideas. After about a split second of handing it back to the pastor, she has second thoughts, and quickly pulls it back and takes ANOTHER TUG.


She just took another monster tug, lowers it down from her lips for a breather, and then takes ANOTHER FUCKING TUG. She had the goblet literally upside down as she got every last drop of CHRIST'S BLOOD. Goddamn, shawty can drank.

With a bewildered look on his face, the pastor snatched the empty goblet back from the lady.

Now it was our turn to get communion. My brother and I were in the first row, and were first up to get communion. Neither of us are religious, and we weren't sure if we were supposed to get it, or if that would be rude. I ain't trying to offend people at a funeral, man. So the pastor motions to us to go up, the people in the rows behind us are already up and forming a line, waiting on us. My brother and I are looking at each other, wondering if we're supposed to go. He motions to the people behind us to go, the pastor motions at us again. My brother motions at the people behind us again, they motion for us to go.

Finally, I whisper to my brother, "goddamnit, just go". So he mutters, "christ", and gets up. Of course, he gets one of the nice pre-cut, unmanhandled wafers, and he eats that shit like woah. I get one of the gross manhandled ones, and I put it in my pocket.

We both approach the wine-lady, and give her a nod as we bypass the blood, and creep back to our seats. I ain't drinking from the community goblet, bruh.

Going back to the dude with the smoke dispenser thing. It's like a coconut sized metal contraption with a chain attached to it. Dude hands it to the pastor, and the metal coconut sized thing is smoking. I had never seen something like that before. Also worth noting is the huge, gold plated bible that was just hanging out on the podium. With a gleam in his eye, the Pastor grabs this monstrous thing, and lifts it high above his head, like an hockey player would hoist up the stanley cup.

Seriously this thing was pimped the fo out. I could see it chillin' in a rap video. You could tell the pastor was proud of it.

RIP *****, she was the sweetest lady ever.

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