Monday, December 8, 2008

i couldn't resist

I know I know, I just did an advice column like last week. But once you read through this "Dear Prudence", you'll understand why I had to tackle this serious issue. Anyway, I don't know, maybe I'll try to make this advice column a weekly thing or something.


I work in a small company of about 30 employees. My co-workers and I don't know what to do about our boss. Our company is in serious financial trouble. I make up the entire accounts payable/receivable department, and if it hadn't been for a big check we received from a company that owed us, we wouldn't have been able to send out our last payroll checks. I'm really worried about our boss' suicide "jokes." She frequently will jokingly ask me or another of my co-workers for a gun or a knife. She even crawled onto the windowsill in my office and had her bottom half hanging out until I grabbed her and pulled her back in. I told her recently that I was not going to take these questions as jokes anymore and that the next time she mentioned a gun or knife, I was going to call the suicide hot line. Her response was to walk over to my phone and say sarcastically, "Sure, let's do it now! I'll dial, you talk." She later came back and said, "I hope you know I'm never serious about that." One co-worker suggested we try to convince her brother to admit her to a psychiatric ward. But unfortunately she is the sole decision-maker regarding practically everything we do, so without her, I don't even know how we'd be able to run on a day-to-day basis. What should I do?
—Concerned Employee

Dear Concerned Employee:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Get that sand outta your vagina and get back to work! No but seriously, this is a perfect opportunity for you to advance your career.

Unless, judging by the dipshitedness of your questions, you enjoy running the same rat race to the finish line to shitville. You never know. Whatever, read on for the best career advice ever:

To put it simply, for the truly simple of heart and mind: if you're boss offs himself, this opens the door wide open for you to step up and fill those boss-ly shoes. And I bet those boss-ly shoes fit real good, don't they?

Can you do it, and step up and be an effective boss? Probably not, but has that ever stopped anyone from giving 'er the old college try? NO BITCH, it hasn't.

So lemme break it down for you: The next time your boss jokes about killing herself, or asks for a gun or a knife, be the catalyst for change. Help your company out, help yourself out. Nobody wants some depressed jackass running around talking about suicide. Well I do, but I'm a little different than most.

Help her take that extra step. Hand her that gun or knife. Give her that gentle push out the window.

There's 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth, and now is your time to knock one out of the park, or out the window lol. Are you gonna do what's best for you, or are you going to continue to be pushed around by a suicidal maniac?

The time to take control of your career is NOW! You see the economy. You know what's goin down (hint: and it better be your boss out the 10th story window).

You know what you have to do. Good luck.

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